Embarrassing. That’s the word to describe it. It’s was 5th grade and this blue eyed, blonde haired boy in my gym class made me fall head over heels “in love” well love from a 11 year old brain mindset. Let’s call him “blue eyes”, blue eyes was a football and track star also known as one of the “popular” kids and I thought he was the most beautiful boy I laid my eyes on. His laugh, his smile and his goofy boy jokes that I just laughed at because he told them. But, there was only one problem, I was the overweight, goofy/ awkward girl and he was the most popular kid from a middle school stand point. On the days he did notice me, he was my gym partner and one embarrassing, cringy moment was when we did a race and the game was we had to push each other back and forth on one of those little skateboard scooter things all schools use for times such as this, they usually were fun, but on this occasion all it did was cause the embarrassment emotion in my brain to take control as if I was Riley in “Inside out 2”
His poor jock self could barely push me and I just wanted to go hide in the bathroom. Luckily, it wasn’t too long before I was homeschooled and I wouldn’t see blue eyes again for a while, nor did I want to after that. Fast forward to 7th grade I decided to go back to public school the second semester (big mistake) I just LOVE walking in to an already established class with all eyes on me making me feel so special, in the most hated way possible. Oh, I forgot a little detail, this was the year I was going through my emo phase and I weighed more than I did in 5th grade plus.. I was obsessed with One direction. Not a good combo. I thought I was over my crush until saw blue eyes again, but he matured. He got taller, voice deeper and more, cuter and I didn’t think it was possible. Now, picture this it’s the Valentine’s Day dance, he had a crush on this girl, they were dancing and now drumroll for the second embarrassing/ “what the hell was I thinking!?” Moment, my 13 year old brain got jealous of him dancing with a girl, who treated me like the outcast I was and made fun of me daily, and what do I do to get him to pay attention to me? I fake fall around him, so he sees me and wants to be my knight and shining armor and help me out just so I have a chance to talk to him and hopefully charm him. But, here’s what really happened, I fake fell, broke my phone, got bruises on my knees and he looked over, saw me and continued dancing. Great plan, Caraline. You TOTALLY scored. The only thing I scored was a bruise to my body and ego. Blue eyes and I would be at the same schools all through graduation, but the sad thing is, he only paid attention or noticed me when I went though my eating disorder, lost a BUNCH of weight and was nothing but skin and bones and suddenly I hear a “ding” that sounded like a Snapchat “ding” I look at my phone and guess who it was!? Blue eyes, snapping me!? I got excited, the boy I had been in love with for 8 years finally texts me? What changed? Oh wait… me, my weight. My body that could belly fit into a size small got his attention and that was disturbing and was not what I needed in a guy, but a part of me wanted to get and hold on to that attention to satisfy my 12 year old self even as a 19 year old. It was a short lived experience, but I’m glad I had it because it helped me let go of my fantasy of him because um, I can tell you this blue eyes now gives me NOTHING, but the ick. So ladies, let this be a lesson, the guy you over romanticize, will more than likely make you think “WTF!?”
-Caraline
