Yesterday, I found myself sitting in my room and having one of those conversations about things you’ve barely out loud to a complete stranger on the other side of a computer screen. The time had finally come as I was in a spiral of dissociating, having anxiety constantly, depression that would cause me to have suicidal thoughts (no plans) the urge to drink the pain away and in tunnel where the light was so dim you would think I was miles away, kind of like that scene in “Finding Nemo” where Dory sees the piranhas light. That’s how far away it seemed. We talked about my family issues, my ex boy friend issues and to be such a typical stereotype my “daddy issues” uggge that phrase makes me cringe, but it’s the truth! I do have daddy issues or to loose the cringy term, “issues” with my father. As we’re talking about my ex, the thoughts were intense and I can still hear him yelling at me as I’m telling her all the shit he pulled on me. The manipulation, the gas lighting, the verbal abuse, the sexual component which I didn’t know was actually abuse, I just thought if I did it he would be happy and I wouldn’t have a guilt trip in my lap. The fact is I still see, let’s call him “Stabler” because everytime I see him, I think of a law and order episode, at church. Stabler, likes to be friendly… too friendly and greets me as if we’re friends and nothing happened. I don’t like that, it gives me the ABSOLUTE ick. I see him with people acting all friendly and this lovable guy and it angers me to know that he would be like that with me in a crowd and then we were alone, BAM! No more Church guy it was Douche-face guy. But I complied, I took it, I fawned because the idea of confrontation killed me and that brings me to, my dad.
Growing up my father was there, but he was absent. He went to work, came home took off those scuffed cowboy boots of his, shuffled with his jeans to make them straight again and sat in his recliner and just watched tv. I was already home from school and wanted to show him all the hard work from the day I put in and even the 97% I got on my math homework and barely taking his eyes off the tv, all I heard was “uh huh, cool” and went back to watching the history channel. Later, he would retire to his and my mother’s room and would sit at his desk where he would play that fantasy game “World or Warcraft” or “WOW” in nerd terms. After that, I knew I wouldn’t get any attention from him, unless my sister and I got in a fight and he would just take her side because of course it “had” to be my fault. But, he just didn’t want to deal with it so he just listened to whoever got to him first and yelled at the other all so he could go back to his game. Now, fast forward to today, He and my Stepmother (yes, he remarried of course) joined my church I stubbled upon after needing a fresh start from my childhood church. They joined about two years later after I did and now everyone thinks they’re the BEST, but the truth is, they’re both really good at playing nice and being their true selves when they don’t need to put on a show, just like at Christmas 2024. My sister and I were playing a game with them and while they were both drinking, my step mom, let’s call her “Ursula” was making buzzer sounds over and over to interrupt us if we got the question wrong in this trivia game and didn’t give us a chance to correct it or ask what it was. She just wanted to brag about how we got it wrong. And my dad did nothing, just watched as she made fun of us as he sipped his nasty old fashioned and she drank her vodka or whatever choice she chose that occasion. Life with Ursula and my dad is a constant “what the hell are they going to pull now?” And my therapist was a lovely woman who listened to it all, and isn’t that all we need is an unbiased listener who will give us coping skills to deal with all the bullshit we endure. Yes, I have issues, yes it’s going to take a LOT of work to deal with it all and forgive those who have hurt me, but as a woman of faith and believer in my savior Jesus Christ, I know that’s what He would want me to do. Now, that doesn’t mean I forget or have to be all accepting of them and us have a big ol’ love fest together, it just means I don’t hold it in my heart anymore and I give the hurt to Him. But, I just need a little help getting there and I’m thankful for that amazing woman in the other side of that screen helping me to be who Christ wants me to be.
-Caraline
